Please state your emergency.

scary-stories:

Ever since the virus wiped out our natural ability to speak, we’ve had to make do with devices that allow us to speak in a robot approximation of what we used to sound like. The trouble is that you have to buy your words – these ain’t cheap to run after all. I’ve only been able to afford 500 words this month, and I’m down to my last 50.

I take a deep breath, and prepare myself for this job interview. Fuck, I need this job. It’s for work as a telephone operator which has become to most coveted profession for one simple reason.

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My student submitted the most disturbing “Livi…

scary-stories:

warning: very long story.

One of my least favorite parts about being a middle school history teacher is the bullshit “Living History” assignments we give at the end of every school year. Kids are supposed to sit with their grandparents and video tape, voice record, or transcribe their oldest memories for posterity (and for an easy way to bring up their GPA).

I have been doing this for seventeen years, and when I collected the projects this time around, I assumed they would be as dull, if not duller than usual. This had not been a particularly bright class.

So I went home, poured myself a glass of wine, and prepared for a long night of “I only owned two pairs of pants when I was your age” and “My brother got beat with a newspaper for hitting a baseball into a neighbor’s yard.” And of course, these projects were peppered with innocent, old-person comments that were so horribly sexist and racist you just had to laugh.

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In the mound.

scary-stories:

For years, we had listened to my grandfather. Do not go near the mound. Put milk and bread out every night. Wear the bits of iron around our necks. Safety. That’s what he said it was all for. And of course, we believed him.

When I was ten, my cousin visited. He was from the city, and he laughed when we put out the milk and bread. So we did it for him, in his name. Grandpa would have been proud. We hid iron in my cousins shoes, with a sprig of holly from by the front porch under the left sole so he could never lose his way coming home. We tried so hard.

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Mandatory Euthanasia

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“With the passing of the newest ordinance, all citizens deemed to be not of permissive mental or physical ability will hereby be subjected to immediate and mandatory euthanasia.”

The first wave of killings went mostly unnoticed. At first, the government came only for those with severe mental impairments, the ones who were already hidden away in sanatoriums and forgotten. Naively, we thought that the executions would end there.

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Mandatory Euthanasia

scary-stories:

“With the passing of the newest ordinance, all citizens deemed to be not of permissive mental or physical ability will hereby be subjected to immediate and mandatory euthanasia.”

The first wave of killings went mostly unnoticed. At first, the government came only for those with severe mental impairments, the ones who were already hidden away in sanatoriums and forgotten. Naively, we thought that the executions would end there.

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My First One Star Review on AirBnB

scary-stories:

Part 1 of 2

Buckle up boys and girls. My buddy and I just experienced some grade-A Creepyshit while on a trip to Red Rocks in Colorado. I write a lot of things down anyway and so I figured I might as well post the story here and see what you guys think.

So who here has used AirBnB? raises hand. I think I’ve used it no less than twenty times. All great experiences up until this point, seriously.

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Mime Time

scary-stories:

You know what sucks? Being the best in the world at something and it being utterly unmarketable. I’m an incredible mime. I can fake climbing a rope like you wouldn’t believe. But mimes don’t rake in the cash like they used to.

And busking is hard. On a good day I might take in thirty bucks. No matter how many walls I’d walk into or jump ropes I’d skip, my act just wasn’t making money. I was going to lose my apartment.

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